Albertina Fisher is the co-founder of Revive Sex and Relationship Therapy. Albertina specialises in psychosexual and relationship therapy, working with people from all backgrounds, sexual and gender orientations, relationship types, and disabilities.
She helps individuals and couples with sexual concerns and relationship issues.
Albertina has particular skills in working with sexual problems, including:
- Relationships where sex has stopped.
- Where there are differences in levels of desire.
- Conflicting sexual interests.
- Problems relating to sexual functioning, such as vaginal pain or erectile difficulties.
These issues often arise due to life changes, such as pregnancy, birth, bereavement, illness, and ageing. However, sometimes couples do not have any such specific problems, they just want to have better sex!
From Albertina’s point of view, it is better to discuss sex in correlation with a relationship, and have both partners in the therapy room at the time room. Usually there is something that doesn’t work, and that’s why men seek her advice. Whether that is erectile disfunction or premature ejaculation or where partners cannot reach the climax during sex.
Or partners have a different feeling about sex in the relationship and they cannot make it work without having someone like Albertina involved.
Albertina explains that sexual issues are down to pressure we put on ourselves, which kills the passion.
Women don’t necessarily come through penetrative sex, which puts pressure on the relationship. She explains there should be more ‘fun and relaxation’ in the bedroom and to just enjoy yourself more.
When couples first get together, they are happy to try new things out. However, as we get older, become complacent about our ‘sex routine’. Albertina says we also often have unrealistic expectations from pornography. So men have a fictional idea of the average size.
As with anything in life, we need to keep sex fresh. This becomes more difficult if both partners work hard, and as David suggested, pass each other like ships in the night. The conversation of ‘let’s try something new today’ is out of question if you barely have a chance to have any type of conversation.
Albertina explains that nothing is more important than sitting down in a relationship and discussing sex. Whether it’s a discussion around sex toys or expectations, whether it is watching porn together or making more time for each other. However, Albertina made it clear that she thinks scheduling sex isn’t an option.
Yet, she does suggest scheduling time for intimacy, but this doesn’t have to mean sex. This can be just spending time together, enjoying hobbies you used to enjoy, cuddling on the sofa, cuddling naked on the bed without intercourse.
She said the trick is to take away any pressure and take a “see what happens approach.” She also explained that it’s rare that both couples feel desire at the same time but there is such a thing as responsive desire.
This involves creating an environment that fosters desire but again, it’s a balancing act between not creating pressure, managing expectation and seeing where it goes.
This approach helps you feel more like lovers than roommates living together.
However if you have very different sexual drives and tastes then that is something that definitely needs discussing with an expert if it’s significantly impacting the relationship.
Volker enquired whether he would still get it up at 90, and how sex changes from teenage sex to couple sex at 90. But we need to broaden the definition of sex, and understand that this can include everything from a stand up quicky in the kitchen to lying naked together without penetrative sex.
Volker mentioned at the end that as today’s society we can now get sex on demand via apps, e.g. location based buzzers to inform you that someone wanting sex is in the vicinity.
Obviously, a relationship is based on more than just sex, but how is this impacting future generations’ relationships?
You can find out more about Albertina and Revive Sex and Relationship Therapy here:
Resources Albertina shared:
Websites and apps
The secret desire in a long term relationship
The surprising truth about desire everyone needs to know
Come as You Are: thebestselling guide to the new science that will transform your sex life: 1 (Come
As You Are, 1)
Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships
Mating in Captivity: How to keep desire and passion alive in long-term relationships
Sex, love and goop on Netflix
How to build a sex room on Netflix